No alarms and no surprises, please.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
Read on as I, an evil Dad, make both my kids cry and yet get a good laugh out of it. I tried to be as faithful as possible to the actual events and dialog.
[Int. Fridge's kitchen]
Fridge is on the phone
Jonny (running in to the room): Dad! Daddy! Guess What!!
Fridge: (to person on phone) Can you hold on a minute? (back to Jonny) JB, you have to say excuse me when you interrupt someone....
Jonny: Daddy! Excuse me! I need to tell you something.
Fridge: ... and you know that it's rude to interrupt when they're talking on the phone. You have to wait until Daddy is done.
Jonny: But Daddy! I need to tell you something!
Fridge: Is it an emergency?
Jonny: well... no... but I need to tell you something!
Fridge: Jonny, it's gonna have to wait till I'm done on the phone, buddy.
Jonny: But, daddy! I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING!
Jonny throws himself to the ground and writhes in the agony of injustice
Fridge (to person on phone): I'm afraid I'll have to call you back. We're having a meltdown.
Fridge (to JB, who is apoplectic): Ok, JB. You're gonna have to sit at the bottom of the stairs until you've calmed down.
Jonny: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!! Daddy, I have to TELL YOU SOOOOOOMMEEETHIIIIINNG!!!!!
Five minutes of carefully orchestrated histrionics at the bottom of the stairs follow. Eventually, Jonny calms down
Fridge: Ok, Jonny. Come over here please. You know that you can't interrupt people on the phone. It's rude, right?
Jonny: Yes Daddy. [wiping tears] I know. I'm sorry.
Fridge: It's ok, dude. What did you want to tell me?
Jonny (smiling and excited): "Skittle" and "Little". They rhyme!
[Int. Fridge's living room]
Fridge and Emma have just finished watching Jurassic Park. Clearly a questionable parenting decision as it was too scary for Jonny and he had to leave. Emma and Fridge are discussing the film, which Emma loved.
Emma: Daddy, wouldn't it be totally crazy if there were dinosaurs running around our house!?!?! That would be scary!
Fridge: Yeah that would be. But we'd have Roxy to save us!
Emma: Do you think Roxy could beat up a velociraptor??!?!
Fridge: Actually, no. She'd definitely try to save us if there was a velociraptor trying to eat us. But the dinosaur would probably eat her instead.
Emma: [Gasp!] No! We can't let them eat Roxy! I'd rather have the velociraptor eat me!
Fridge: Well, if I had to pick one of you to feed to a velociraptor, it'd definitely be Roxy and not you.
Emma cries out, leaping on top of a formerly sleeping, now bewildered labrador in a wild embrace.
Emma: Whaaaaa!!!!! No, daddy! That means you don't love my SISTER Roxy as much as me! That's not nice!
Fridge: Hey, I love Roxy, but that's exactly right. I don't love her as much as you. If it's you or her, then she's dinosaur food.
Emma: DADDY!!! That's a very very mean thing to say! Don't say that!
Emma collapses on Roxy, who is thoroughly confused. Emma sobs for a moment or two and then abruptly sits up with a tear-filled face and a slightly mischievous grin
Emma: Hey daddy [chuckles] maybe we can feed Jonny to the velociraptor instead?
Thursday, January 01, 2009
I've been tagged.
1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Learned to play craps.
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
New Year's resolutions are for suckers.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Barbra, my sister-in-law had a baby about a month ago. My first niece after a bunch of nephews. She's cute as hell.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not that I recall. I guess that might determine "close".
5. What places did you visit?
Vegas. Yankee Stadium for the last time.
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A maid. Seriously. I am working on this.
7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Feb 3 and Nov 4. Both big victories for my teams.
8. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?
I can't think of any. I've been in a ridiculous holding pattern for over a year. There's a lot of crap on tap for '09, though.
9. What was your biggest failure?
There are many things I failed to make any progress with, including my divorce.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No. Usually, my kids are bringing stuff home every month, but this has been a very good year for our immune systems.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
42" LCD HDTV. I can't imagine going back to non-HD full time anymore.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My kids. They had a great year.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My ex's boyfriend. He's an impressive douchebag.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Mortgage and day care. Always.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The New York Giants
16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
"The Frown Song" by Ben Folds.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) Happier or sadder?
happier, I guess.
b) thinner or fatter?
fatter, for sure
c) richer or poorer?
poorer for sure.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
20. How did you spend Christmas this year?
21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
With my XBOX 360, yes.
22. How was work?
23. What was your favorite TV program?
The Daily Show. Clusterfuck to the White House was nightly must see tv.
24. What did you do for your birthday in 2008?
My kids and I cooked dinner.
25. What was the best book you read?
Bad year for Fridge reading. The user guide for Gears of War 2?
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I would say, Jay-Z's "Reasonable Doubt", which is only new to me and is a major staple in my rotation.
27. What did you want and get?
28. What did you want and not get?
29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Tropic Thunder, I think. Iron Man was good, too. Dark Knight. Wall E? No huge standouts, but a bunch of solid films.
30. Did you make some new friends this year?
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Renting a dumpster and taking a week of vacation to fill it up with the ridiculous clutter in my house.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Hoodie and cargo pants?
33. What kept you sane?
Emma and Jonathan
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Right now, it's the Mom, Mrs. Taylor on Friday Night Lights. She's MILF-tastic.
35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Sarah Palin being fucking stupid.
35a. What political issue stirred you the least?
Sarah Palin's clothes
36. Who did you miss?
A few of my friends who live all over the US and occasionally my kids.
37. Who was the best new person you met?
There are a couple new guys at work that are pretty cool.
38. Burn any bridges?
Nope. Had ample opportunity to, though.
39. Best new restaurant you went to?
Margaritaville in Las Vegas.
40. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
"There's no weakness in forgiveness." - The aforementioned MILF-tastic Mrs. Taylor.