Meet the Landlords

Once again, we own New York.

BATS!!!!

Last night we had a visit from a rat with wings. It's safe to say that if a 5 year old could have a heart attack my daughter would have had one on the spot. We were settling into bed when all of a sudden this little bugger started flying around the room. After much screaming (by them, not me), I instructed the kids to get under the covers until it left the room.

It did leave and I closed the doors behind the bat and followed it outside. My daughter was left lying in her bed going completely bananas. My son is lying quietly. Apparently his fondness for Batman is helping him cope.

I opened the sliding glass door and a couple windows, hoping the bat would leave as it circled the house. It didn't despite passing them several times. Eventually, it stopped flying around. Hmm... What to do.

I got my wife on the phone so she could tell me where our tennis rackets are and so she could talk to Emma while Daddy takes care of our invader. I found the tennis racket in the basement and looked for where our winged friend has gone. It was no longer flying about.

I found it perched on a piece of molding near the drop down attic stairs. I looked at it for a moment and pondered it's fate. It clearly didn't want to hurt anyone. And yet, here it was terrifying me with it's potential of being rabid and terrifying my kids with it's very presence. Could I really coax it out of the house? Is that even possible? I had the sliding doors wide open and the dumb thing flew right past them. While I'm doing that, what of my still screaming daughter - equally terrified that the bat's gonna "get" her or me?

I knew what I had to do. I terminated the bat with extreme prejudice. I put on yellow dishwashing gloves, picked it up, wrapped it up in a plastic bag with said gloves and put it out on the deck. Phew! The family is safe!

I came back to my kids and we all huddled in my bedroom. Emma had a lot to say about the bat. What did it look like? Why did I kill it? Do you think it came in here because it wanted the mosquito I saw flying around? Eventually, I answered her questions and calmed her down. She slowly stopped trembling as she lined up all the bits of information she had about this traumatic experience. Daddy had to kill the bat because it was proably sick and didn't want to leave.

I asked my son, "What did you think of the bat?" He said, "What bat?" "You know, the thing that was flying around the house?", I said. "Oh yeah, it was flying, huh?" He laughed. He's one cool customer, that Jonny.

Today, we'll get a visit from "the bat people" to make sure this never happens again.

Hip Hop Violin

No, seriously. It's pretty damn cool.

I am Asok

I wouldn't usually simply post a Dilbert. But today's strip of the day just so perfectly sums up my professional hell of the last year.

8 things about me. Because I kick ass.

I haz been tagged.

[ANNOYING RULES]
1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged write their own blog post about their eight things and include these rules.
4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged and that they should read your blog.
5. 8 is a magic number. Not three.
[/ANNOYING RULES]

First of all, meme-starter... Don't you tell me what to do!

On to the 8 things about me.

1) Up until the age of 8, I spoke Jive. This is a somewhat flippant way to say that up until the 4th grade, I went to a school that was predominantly black. I was one of four white kids. I talked just like all the black kids at the school. When I got to my first day of school in lily-white Connecticut Shoreline, the first words out of my mouth were "Where are all the black people?"
2) If I could be anything I wanted to in life, it would be Spiderman. And that's something that hasn't changed since I was six years old.
3) The first time I got drunk as a freshman at the fraternity at Rensselaer that I'd later join (Phi Sigma Kappa) I was 16 years old.
4) In 8th grade and again as a senior in high school, my family hosted for a year kids from Brazil (a girl) and Japan (a boy), respectively. The girl grew up to be an awesome person and my parents remain in touch with her. The boy was a jerk and I'm pretty sure that whatever he's doing today he grew up to be a major asshole.
5) My initials are EJB. My kids' initials are EJB and JEB. I had no idea that's how it would be when we chose their names. Now, I feel a little like George Foreman, who named all his kids George.
6) All strippers think I'm cute. Or, at least, that's what they tell me.
7) I was the best offensive lineman in my 1980 Pop Warner league and somewhere, my parents have the trophy to prove it.
8 ) I have been certified by Guinness to pour the perfect pint(tm), including understanding how to wash the glass, how long to wait between the first phase and the second phase, what type of gas should be used to pressurize a keg and most importantly, how to draw the shamrock on top.

I'm tagging Manny and my brother Nat. Sure, that's two people, but they have the strength of at least 8 men.

Wanted Dead Or Alive: Poultry Perpetrator

On Sunday, one victim, Jonny aged 3, accused the suspect shown at left of assault. The victim's sister described the suspect as looking "kinda like the goose in Charlotte's Web".

The victim was attempting to feed a group of ducks and a gaggle of geese at Lyman's Orchard and reached his hand through the protective barrier to present said food to the animals in question. It was at this moment that the suspect allegedly leapt forward and aggressively attacked the victim, biting him on the hand and causing him to drop said food and more or less scaring the living shit out of him.


The victim is seen at left receiving medical attention and reporting the incident to authorities. The suspect can be seen in the background callously eating the dropped food and indifferent to the plight of the victim. The victim's father suggested killing and eating the suspect, but was warned by the victim's sister against such vigilante action as it's thought to be "not nice" and that the suspect was presumed innocent and had not yet been Mirandized.

The suspect remains at large in a pen at Lyman's orchard and should be considered winged and dangerous.

Fridge Blogging

Here is my fridge. I like to think of it as a fridge with two regions.

The top is mostly informational with a few magnets from our travels and pictures of the little kids in our extended family. There are emergency numbers, pizza delivery magnets, important notices, birthday invitations, and dosage charts for children's Motrin and Tylenol.

The bottom is mostly a chaotic mix of educational magnets, artwork and potty charts. The little fridge magnets sing and spell and make an incredible amount of noise for a surprisingly long time. As my kids get older the chaos heads up and on a weekly basis, I defend the border between refrigerator and freezer and repel the invaders.

Toast asked for it.

Geeks! Set your TiVos!

I'm not sure how I didn't hear about this earlier. ABC is airing a four part series (STARTING TOMORROW!) of one-hour Science Fiction episodes in what appears to be a 'short story'-'Twilight Zone'-ish style. With stories adapted from acclaimed writers like Harlan Ellison and starring folks like Malcolm McDowell, Sam Waterston, Brian Dennehy, Terry O'Quinn (LOCKE!) and production values that appear to be excellent, these shows are very intriguing. My prediction? These shows are somewhere between very good to at least very promising and then I'm disappointed when after just 4 episodes ABC dumps them and returns to showing crap like According to Jim.

They start tomorrow and run for a month. You have been warned! Ladies and Gentlemen, set your TiVos!

P.S. Someone ought to tell Brian Dennehy there that he can go blind from doing so much.

My son finally sees what he's up against

This weekend we were out and about and I took my two kids (Emma, 5 and Jonny, 3) to Burger King. Not for the food of course, but for the sweet kid habitrail they have for my kids to play in and so I could swipe their Simpsons toys for my desk at work (for the record, I got Apu and Barney).

When we got there, we made the all important bathroom stop. It was here that Jonny had a revelation.

We gathered in the giant handicapped stall so there'd be room for all of us. Jonny did his business, defiantly refusing any offers of assistance (he's three, you see). Then it was Emma's turn and it appears a lightbulb went on for my little guy.

After Emma sat on the toilet, here's what happened.

Jonny crouches down, looks at what Emma is doing and says, "WAIT A MINUTE! How come Emma doesn't have a penis!?!?!"

Emma laughed and said, "It's called a VA-GI-NA, Jonny"

"What the...??", Jonny said. (this is a verbal tic he picked up from his Dad, because the word that typically follows is a bit unseemly when said by a 3 year old. I put the breaks on right there)

"Yeah, JB, boys have penises, girls have vaginas...", I said.

Jonny slapped his forehead in an interesting mix of exasperation and resignation and said, "Oh Great..."

He didn't seem very happy about this at all. He hadn't seen anything he hadn't seen before, but it was like a new part of his brain was finally grasping the impact of what it all meant. It seemed as if he understood that this biological dichotomy was really gonna be a pain in the ass to deal with later on.

And I totally knew what he meant.

Low Points in Fantasy Baseball Breaking News

From CBS Sportsline Fantasy Baseball:

Posada goes double dong Wednesday

Jorge Posada, C NYY
News: Jorge Posada homered twice in a 8-1 victory over the White Sox on Wednesday.
Analysis: Posada is having the best season of his career, in a walk year, no less. Go figure. He's scorching hot and a must-start in all leagues through thick and thin.

Seriously guys? "double dong"? As if I don't feel quite pathetic enough because of my obsession with fantasy sports? Thanks.

States that have hosted Fridge

Chemist sez he may have done this before. Maybe so, but it's new to me, and pretty cool. I just wish we could choose the color for the state. Red sucks as a state color.



create your own visited states map

Without further adieu, here are the "States" I've been to in no discernible order.

1) Connecticut - Widely known for two things: Home state of our desipicable Senator Joe Leiberman and being the location of Fridge Headquarters.
2) California - Finally got to go to Califoria in 2005 for the Microsoft PDC. It's the convention for the geeky minions like me who make their living out of making stuff that crashes on windows boxes. I liked LA, but it really is like a bowl of concrete between the beach and the hills. Kinda freaked me out.
3) Oregon - Went to Portland for friend's wedding. I loved it there. I could enjoy living there. Plus, I pulled off a bravura performance with "the toast". I'm still hoping to get a hold of the video of that, so I can make myself a YouTube star. Anyway, I killed, such that this dude kept coming up to me and saying that we should "do standup comedy together". I'm not even sure what that means. Is it me, or does that sound like a come-on? I felt a little gay talking to him about it.
4) Florida - Home of Yankee Spring Training, Several Fridge friends and Disney. Love Disney.
5) Illinois - My brother went here for undergrad at U of Chicago. I think he was a sophomore or junior when I went to check him and the city out over thanksgiving break. It was really fucking cold. Frostbite inducing cold. I did not dig it.
6) New York - Love it. NYC is awesome. I went to school upstate at an institute that is now dead to me. Long story. Lots of variety in New York, from the city itself to Montauk, to Niagara to the Finger Lakes. Oh yeah and Binghampton.
7) Rhode Island - Wee little state with some cool east coast beaches and Newport. I really like Newport.
8) Maine - Remind me. 'Moose' is like 'Deer' same in plural and singular forms, no?
9) Massachusetts - Boston, Cape and the headquarters of the aforementioned
10) Wisconsin - Been to Madison many times when I first started in the software business. Mostly it sucks. In fact, one thing I remember is that Madison has a law that no building can be taller than the state capitol building. so you have this sprawling city where all the buildings are 5 stories or less. Stupid. Does have a cool college area near the U of Wisc.
11) Vermont - When I was in college and the drinking age was lower in VT than NY and the liquor was cheaper, I may or may not have loaded up my Subaru Brat with cases of liquor to bring back to my fraternity.
12) New Hampshire - Lake Winepessaukee (SP?). Or something like that. Went there on vacation. It looked just like Connecticut with a bigger lake. Yawn.
13) Georgia - Went to Atlanta in 1996 to visit a friend and watched the Yanks beat the Braves in game 6 from a sports bar crowded with Braves fan. Drunk as I was, I was decidedly not gracious to my southern hosts. I'm pretty sure I did the Tomahawk chop and might have mentioned the wife-beating allegations against Bobby Cox.... Moving on.
14) West Virginia - I went to a shit-kicker country bar that had 60 year old ladies selling jello shots and Honky-Tonkin Country bands. It was another world.
15) Kansas - Birthplace of Mom of Fridge. Went there when young with Mom to visit family. Remember it being hot and boring.
16) Virginia - Former location of Fridge Headquarters during attempt to cash in on irrational exuberance. Lots to do if you don't mind swimming in people. Severe lack of Dunkin Donuts is a major weakness.
17) Louisiana - Mardi Gras 1997. Five Days of Ludicrous Drinking. By the end, I was actually bored of drinking and was a little frightened by people in general. Loved the city. Wonder how different it is now.
18) Pennsylvania - Birthplace of Fridge (Pittsburgh!). Lived there again as twenty something shiftless loser. Mostly sucks with exception of Gettysburg, Hershey, Philly and State College on Gameday. Best described as two cities on either end with Alabama in the middle.
19) New Jersey - Home of the New York Giants and the Bada Bing.
20) Washington, DC - Not a state. When I lived in VA, I got to take my friends and family to the same DC attractions over and over! Yay!

Not bad. But my map is not nearly as red as chemist's. Stupid big box states out west. Go to one little place and get to color in a big-ass box of real estate. I need to pee in Wyoming, too.
UPDATED:
21) Delaware - How could I forget Delaware? Well, it would be easy, except I saw a NASCAR race there once that really kicked ass. My only time at a NASCAR event. Surprisingly cool. Beer selection, predictably bad. My favorite note for this is that you can actually buy an extra seat just for your cooler. In fact, depending on the size of it, you may be required to. I love America.

Caption Contest

"Prime Minister Brown? I know yer a limey and all and use the metic system. But, do you think this little sumbitch can take us to White Castle? I sure do love them teeny burgers!"

I've been Simpsonized

Kinda. What Toast wants, Toast gets.

If you don't watch Flight Of The Conchords on HBO

You really should. Imagine a sitcom about two dudes from New Zealand where the humor is somewhere between The Office and Napoleon Dynamite. Oh yeah, and then a couple of times an episode they break into song. Songs like this one.

"Aint no party like my Nana's tea party!"

Best Country Song Ever

Guess What? Curt Schilling Sucks!

Really? I can't believe it. Once again, the obnoxious baby jesus pimpin doofus felt the need to share his thoughts on players not named Curt Schilling with the rest of the world.

"If someone wrote that stuff about me and I didn't sue their [butt] off, am I not admitting that there's some legitimacy to it?" he said on HBO's "Costas Now."

When asked about Schilling's remarks before the Giants played the Atlanta Braves on Wednesday night, Bonds responded: "Don't worry, my day will come.''

Schilling said "this will be the steroids era forever" and proposed that Jose Canseco and Rafael Palmeiro should be punished for steroids use.

"Jose Canseco admitted he cheated his entire career," Schilling said. "Everything he ever did should be wiped clean. I think his MVP should go back and should go to the runner-up."

Pardon me, while I stretch, reflect and gather my Qi as I prepare to once again address the bloviating gelatinous mess that is Curt Schilling.

Ahh... ok. Ready now.

See, here's the thing Curt, you pathetic pimply WoW geek. (this pic shows Curt as he prepares to do battle online!)
No one really wants to hear your pathetic grandstanding about steroids. Why is it that you consistently feel the need to inject yourself into this issue? What about your personality craves attention? Did your parents ignore you such that you were forced to consistently bug them for attention like a pomeranian humping somone's leg? Why, Curt?

Who died and made you the King of All Baseball Media? Was it the baby Jesus? If so, can I get a ruling from the Pope on this one?

Furthermore, where was all this outrage and willingness to throw players under the bus when you were testifying before congress on Steroids? Here's you, flapping your gums to Bob Costas on HBO:

"It goes to the Mark McGwire thing in Congress. I mean, I'm a huge Mark McGwire fan. But I just always thought it was very simple: If you did something and someone asks you if you did it and you didn't do it, you say no. Any other answer than no is some form of yes, isn't it?"

Here you were in your statement on Capitol Hill as part of your 2005 testimony:

I must also tell you, members of the committee, that I hope that a result of this hearing there is a better awareness of the steroid program recently implemented by Major League Baseball and its Players Association. That program, though certainly not perfect, and I dare say there is no such thing as a perfect testing program, is a substantial step in the right direction that appears, from initial statistics, to be having the desired effect—that is removing steroids from baseball. Statistics have shown that from 2003 to 2004 the number of players using steroids in the major leagues has gone from 5-7% to 1.7%. In fact, in yesterday’s New York Times it was reported that there were 96 positive tests during the 2003 testing period, and in 2004 that number saw a dramatic decrease as only 12 players tested positive. I see that as progress, I see that as a positive. It troubles me when I hear the program being identified as a joke, a travesty and a program not designed to rid baseball of steroids. I think those numbers show this to be a meaningful program, one that is working, and steroid usage is dropping. The Players Association, in an unprecedented move, re-opened the Collective Bargaining agreement for the sole purpose of strengthening the drug testing procedures, and its penalties. You may view the reopening of the agreement as a non-issue, or as one of minimal consequences, we don't.

Wait a sec. It doesn't sound like you thought it was a huge problem then and you felt that the Players Union had handled the situation with a great deal of responsiveness. Let us all remember that the first version of the steroid policy, of which you are speaking in this statment, really was a joke. And it wasn't until the players went on TV and were so transparently lame that public pressure forced the union to cave and give it some teeth. And why didn't you call "bullshit" on Palmeiro and McGwire when they went to Congress and ducked every tough question? HBO asked the same question.

Schilling said the circumstances of testifying caused him to be reticent.

"When you're sitting in front of Congress and you're under oath, you'd better be damn sure if you're going to mention a name that you are 100 percent guaranteed sure somebody did something," he said during the HBO interview.

This statement would be amazing coming from a normal person, but one must recall that you are simply a complete asshole . This is pure "cover your ass" activity from a guy who was there not to represent baseball and not even to pitchers who have to throw baseballs to 300 lb behemoths like Mark McGwire. You were there to represent the players union. The Globe had it right at the time.

Schilling denounced Canseco as ''a liar" and his book as a ''disgrace" and defended baseball's revamped plan to ban steroids as meaningful progress.

''The allegations made in that book, the attempts to smear the names of players, both past and present, should be seen for what they are," Schilling said, ''an attempt to make money at the expense of others."

Again, wait. Here you were defending the names named in the book, specifically McGwire and Palmeiro. WTF? Didn't you say that Canseco's MVP should be taken away because of what he said in his book? But in 2005 it was ok to ignore what was in it? And in 2007 it's all of a sudden ok to 'smear the names' of the same players? Fucking Douchebag.

Even before that testimony, you were predictably outspoken about steroid testing. But not necessarily in the way you'd think.

Curt Schilling says he and fellow players would be more than willing to submit to steroid testing as long as Major League Baseball owners had no role in the administering of tests.

"I don't trust the Major League Baseball ownership group to handle drug testing for Major League Baseball," the Red Sox right-hander was quoted as saying in a Hartford Courant story published Wednesday.

Aha. We have reached the meat of it now. I have it now. All along when Bud Selig was trying to change the policy the MLB Players Assoc. and basically used the "five D's of Dodgeball: Dodge, Duck, Dip, Dive and Dodge". They even asked for a larger share of revenue in exchange for "allowing" testing. You supported this all the way. You chipped away publicly in 2004 at the Baseball Owner Tyrants. In 2005, you went to Capitol Hill and promoted how "generous" the players association was to re-open the collective bargaining agreement to include testing - even though at the time, there was no penalty. You said nothing about who was doing steroids (you had to be 100% sure, right) and even attacked Canseco who has yet to be wrong about anything in his book. Now, it's 2007 you now think it's just fine to hammer everyone who's alleged to be involved in steroids, proof or no and oh yeah, let's just point out that Barry Bonds has a mistress again...

Curt Schilling, you are an opportunistic, self-aggrandizing asshole. Furthermore, in as much as you were outspokenly resistant to the kind of steroid testing that the Commissioner was trying to implement, defended the Union's first attempt at toothless testing and silent about abuse among the teammates you played with you are wholly complicit in creating the environment that allowed our national pasttime to be dominated by hulking muscle men and later bogged down by the minutia of who took what PED when. Now, you have the gall to stand up and flap your gums about steroids incessantly as if by some colossal mistake you were declared the voice of reason.

Shut up you complete idiot.

And what of Barry Bonds, who is undoubtedly a cheater and an easy target for an idiot like yourself?

When asked about Schilling's remarks before the Giants played the Atlanta Braves on Wednesday night, Bonds responded: "Don't worry, my day will come."

If I look into my mind's eye and imagine what the perfect "day (that) will come" looks like, it's this:

"AP - Anaheim - Last night, the Boston Red Sox faced the California Angels of Anaheim of Orange County and new DH Barry Bonds, who last year broke the record for most all-time homers and subsequently had 755 asterisks applied to his new record. When Boston Pitcher Curt Schilling stepped on the mound, Bonds left the batter's box, ran to the mound and proceeded to pull a Jeff Gilooly on Schilling beating him severely in the left ankle until he had a new bloody sock to match the famed right one. Bonds then proceeded to the Press Box to announce that he was retiring for good, that he had in fact taken steroids and that all his stats after the age of 34 should be wiped from the record books so we can all get on with our lives. Schilling immediately fedex-ed the left bloody sock to the Hall Of Fame and said that he was retiring to focus on geeky MMORPG called Schilling's World Of Suckcraft where every player must be Curt Schilling and points are accrued by giving press conferences wherein you mention the Baby Jesus. Sales in Boston are expected to be high. Schilling then gave interviews long into the night until the baseball writers chipped in on a box of donuts to get him to shut the fuck up."

Curt Schilling... You suck.

Good Boy, Jake. RIP

This dog was a true hero.

A world-class rescue dog’
Flood adopted Jake as a 10-month-old puppy. He had been abandoned on a street with a broken leg and a dislocated hip.

On the evening of the team’s arrival in New York, Jake walked into a fancy Manhattan restaurant wearing his search-and-rescue vest and was treated to a free steak dinner under a table.

Flood eventually trained Jake to become one of fewer than 200 U.S. government-certified rescue dogs — an animal on 24-hour call to tackle disasters such as building collapses, earthquakes, hurricanes and avalanches.

After Katrina, Flood and Jake drove from Utah to Mississippi, where they searched for survivors in flooded homes.

‘He was always ready to work’

Good Boy, Jake. Good Boy.

Damn, it's getting a bit misty around here.

I'm pretty sure that Robert Byrd thinks that Mike Vick is Barbaric!

BARBARIC!!!

Also, looks like new NFL commish Roger Goodell is all over Mike Vicks shiznit.

"I thought it was appropriate as a next step that what we do is tell Michael that he should not report to camp so that we can continue our review of the situation as quickly as possible, make some determinations about how it fits within the personal conduct policy and then make the next step from there," Goodell said.

Roger Goodell, you kick ass. I totally expected the NFL to punt on this and wait until a plea or verdict occurred. You know, the old Bush "ongoing investigation" line. Not Rog. No flippin' way. Nice job.

On a semi-related note, if you're looking for a dog to adopt (or some other animal, even). I found this link to petfinder.com after exporing a Basset Hound Rescue post at Shakesville. (link seems to be broken right now - site maintenance at shakesville - but click back later for a ridiculously cute picture of an old basset hound). The site is amazing and incredibly comprehensive. I found roughly 40 dogs within 10 miles of my house for adoption. The Fridge Canine Hotel is all booked up right now, but certainly when there is a vacancy, that will be the first place I look.

Et Tu, Bear Grylls?

Seriously... W. T. F. ???

Bear Grylls, you are dead to me. No survivalist should be caught cheating so easily. What complete bullshit!

Sure, you drank the juice from fresh Elephant Dung.
Sure, you drank your own pee. But hey, who hasn't?
Sure, you fell through the ice on a frozen lake on purpose to show how we could survive that.
Sure, you ate a sheep's eyeball boiled in water boiling from an icelandic volcano.

But, dude. Seriously?

According to Weinert, while filming in California’s Sierra Nevada mountains — an episode in which Grylls, 33, is seen biting off the head of a snake for breakfast — Grylls actually spent some nights with the show’s crew in a lodge outfitted with television, stone fireplaces, hot tubs and Internet access.

I feel so dirty. So violated. You broke my heart, Bear. You broke my heart.

Mike Vick. Please Go Away.

Seriously, Mike? You were part of killing at least nine dogs? By hanging, electrocution, drowning and "slamming the dog's body to the ground"? There are incredibly gruesome details at that link.

I simply can't imagine how anyone can do what you did (ok, allegedly, whatever). I mean, starting a side business ("Bad Newz Kennels" - FYI, there's no 'z' in 'news') explicitly to raise dogs and train them to try kill each other? What kind of person does that? Dogs, even naturally aggressive breeds like Pit Bulls don't do that naturally. They are like any other animal. They want to eat, sleep, play and procreate. You have to teach them how to want to kill like that. And a person who would do that simply becuase it's "gangsta" is fucking totally morally bankrupt. It's certainly not someone I could ever root for on the football field, as I used to. And frankly, I'd prefer if I never had to see you again. Which is a shame. Vick is an amazing football player and highly entertaining to watch - really a once in a lifetime talent. I forgave him his "Ron Mexico" moment, because hey, all 20-something millionaires sleep around. But this is different. This tells me you are essentially a bad person. Please go away. Leave my favorite sport immediately. Thanks.

Besides, Vince Young is better.