Fridge watches the Watchmen

Ok, I've obsessively cyber-stalked this movie for over a year. I love the book and wanted to love the movie. I wanted to come home in a post-coital-nerd-movie-glow like I did from the first Spiderman flicks, Iron Man, The Matrix, etc...

It didn't happen.

For me, the movie was a roller-coaster. There were moments where I was riding high in love with what I was seeing and moments that just didn't work at all and I wanted to hit fast-forward. Some of the problems stem simply from the nature of doing an adaptation. When it's done well, it works. Otherwise, not so much. Some of them are the known casting problems. And some of the problems are, frankly, bits brought to the material by Zack Snyder.

When it works, it's wonderful. There were times I was sitting in the theater with a smile on my face thinking, "Holy Crap, it's Watchmen!" There were also times when I thought, "Ugh, what the fuck was that?"

In the end, it was a bit of a disappointment for me. And much of my frustration is from mistakes that were completely avoidable. My prediction is that some internet geek will do some of the fixing with a macbook re-edit, as the Star Wars geeks did when they removed Jar Jar Binks. But that won't erase the missteps that are burned in my brain. And that makes me a bit bummed. I had bought into the hype and it didn't live up to it.

Specifics and spoilers below. Stop reading if you don't want to be spoiled.

Here, specifically is what worked for me.
* Rorschach - Easily the best thing in the movie is Jackie Earl Haley. Fantastic. The movie was always good when he was on the screen.
* The uber violence of the scene where Rorshach and the psychiatrist and also in the prison in general. It's meaningful to Rorshach as a character, because that's what separates himself from his partners. He's crazy. I was riveted in that scene.
* Dr. Manhattan - glowing blue schlong aside, that's about as good as Manhattan could have been done, I think. And I expected a bit of a spacey voice, but Crudup's voice was very low key and very human. I ended up really liking it that way.
* The sequence with Dr. Manhattan's origin and the photo on mars. That was cool.
* The opening sequence was cool.
* The opening voice over. I was geeking out over the dialog.

Here's what didn't
* Malin Ackerman - What the fuck! Seriously, what the fuck! Argh! She even kinda looked weird naked.
* The uber violence everywhere else - This, apparently, is a Snyder signature. It didn't bother me in 300, because that's what that movie is about. That is not what the Watchmen is about. It was gratuitous. I wasn't horrified by it, but it just doesn't fit, so it's like dissonant notes in a song. You're cruising along and then all of a sudden Malin "I can't Act"erman is breaking some dude's elbow in slowmo with a bloody crunch and sticking a knife in his neck. Or Dr Manhattan is killing some dudes and spraying blood all over people's faces. And piled up over the entire film and it just became annoying. The exception is the Rorshach violence mentioned above. It was necessary there, just not anywhere else.
* The fire splooge in the sky scene - Tart was all over this, as well as the violence, and she's right. I'm all for humping but, this was weird. In the book, it was more classic Hollywood style love making, silhouettes, etc., and the owlship spewing mist plus fire fits that. With this, I almost was expecting a money shot.
* The sound track is fucked up - Again, Tart is all over that. This is a trick that should have ended with Forrest Gump - using songs to put the viewer in the frame of mind for a period. Thing is, that's absolutely the wrong choice for this movie. This is an alternate reality. Trying to use music place us in a time where Richard Nixon is in the middle of his 5th term as president is messed up. It didn't work at all. I seriously hope some nerd is gonna edit that shit out or there's a bad music soundtrack-free audio track on the DVD. That shit was jarring at times. It just needed a score. The 300 score was great. WTF, Snyder?
* I seriously don't remember Nixon and Kissinger having that much of a role in the book. If they did, I forgot it. But, those performances in the movie were weird and I hated it.
* I ended up missing the squid. I had long ago read about the change of the ending and had talked myself into the fact that it would be ok. I understood that by changing the end, they'd be able to skip a bunch of exposition regarding the origin of the squid. But, as the ending arrived I realized I was wrong. I did not like the change of the end and frankly the earth uniting against fake aliens makes more sense than uniting against Dr. Manhattan's possible return. Here's an idea, cut out the pelvic thrusts and blood spatters to free up time for the squid. And the floaty huggy crap? Ugh.
* The epilogue - That shit was terrible. The "I love you Mom" scene? And then including a random appearance of the New Frontiersman that was not set up at all. On the cutting room floor, I guess. Maybe a 4 hr director's cut will fix that?
* Ozymanidas - I probably didn't hate this casting choice as much as some, but Matthew goode was believable in the fight scenes and ably delivered the lines. There was just a lack of command emanating from his Ozy. Ozy has to be a big authoritarian figure. He wasn't. It hurt the movie.

It may seem like I hated the movie because I have more gripes than raves. That's not true. However it is far closer to the truth than I had hoped. And that will be hard to get over.

This looks pretty damn glorious to me

Movie Resume Meme

Saw this on facebook first, but then most recently on my brother's blog for smart people.

He saw 71. My number should be considerably higher than that.

(x) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) Grease
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
(x) Boondock Saints
(x) Fight Club
(x) Starsky and Hutch
(x) Neverending Story
(x) Blazing Saddles
(x) Universal Soldier
( ) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
(x) Along Came Polly
(x) Joe Dirt
(x) KING KONG [all versions, including King Kong Vs. Godzilla]
Total so far: 13

( ) A Cinderella Story
(x) The Terminal
( ) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
(x) Dumb & Dumber
( ) Dumber & Dumberer
( ) Final Destination
( ) Final Destination 2
( ) Final Destination 3
(x) Halloween
(x) The Ring
( ) The Ring 2
( ) Surviving -MAS
(x) Flubber (orignal only)
Total so far: 17

(x) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
( ) Practical Magic
(x) Chicago
( ) Ghost Ship
(x) From Hell
(x) Hellboy
( ) Secret Window
( ) I Am Sam
(x) The Whole Nine Yards
( ) The Whole Ten Yards
Total so far: 22

(x) The Day After Tomorrow
(x) Child's Play
( ) Seed of Chucky
( ) Bride of Chucky
( ) Ten Things I Hate About You
( ) Just Married
( ) Gothika
(x) Nightmare on Elm Street
(x) Sixteen Candles [One of the best in the John Hughes, suburban teenage white kid flicks]
(x) Remember the Titans
( ) Coach Carter
( ) The Grudge
( ) The Grudge 2
(x) The Mask
( ) Son Of The Mask
Total so far: 28

(x) Bad Boys
(x) Bad Boys 2
( ) Joy Ride
( ) Lucky Number Sleven
(x) Ocean's Eleven
(x) Ocean's Twelve
(x) Bourne Identity
(x) Bourne Supremacy
(x) Lone Star
(x) Bedazzled (original only) [the remake has the sublime Liz Hurley]
(x) Predator I
(x) Predator II
(x) The Fog
(x) Ice Age
(x) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
( ) Curious George
Total so far: 41

(x) Independence Day
(x) Cujo
(x) A Bronx Tale
( ) Darkness Falls
(x) Christine
( ) ET [my boycott may not last now that I'm a dad.]
(x) Children of the Corn
( ) My Bosses Daughter
(x) Maid in Manhattan
(x) War of the Worlds
( ) Rush Hour
( ) Rush Hour 2
Total so far: 48

( ) Best Bet
( ) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
( ) She's All That
( ) Calendar Girls
(x) Sideways
(x) Mars Attacks
(x) Event Horizon
( ) Ever After
(x) Wizard of Oz
(x) Forrest Gump
(x) Big Trouble in Little China [watched this about a hundred times in H.S. great!]
(x) The Terminator
(x) The Terminator 2
(x) The Terminator 3
Total so far: 57

(x) X-Men
(x) X2
(x) X-3
(x) Spider-Man
(x) Spider-Man 2
(x) Sky High
( ) Jeepers Creepers
( ) Jeepers Creepers 2
(x) Catch Me If You Can
(x) The Little Mermaid
(x) Freaky Friday (original only)
(x) Reign of Fire
(x) The Skulls
( ) Cruel Intentions
( ) Cruel Intentions 2
( ) The Hot Chick
(x) Shrek
(x) Shrek 2
Total so far: 70

( ) Swimfan
(x) Miracle on 34th street
(x) Old School
( ) The Notebook
( ) K-Pax [Did anyone see this garbage?]
(x) Kippendorf's Tribe [not proud of this]
( ) A Walk to Remember
( ) Ice Castles
( ) Boogeyman
(x) The 40-year-old-virgin
Total so far: 74

(x) Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring
(x) Lord of the Rings The Two Towers
(x) Lord of the Rings Return Of the King
(x) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
(x) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(x) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Total so far: 80

(x) Baseketball
( ) Hostel
( ) Waiting for Guffman
( ) House of 1000 Corpses
( ) Devils Rejects
(x) Elf
(x) Highlander
( ) Mothman Prophecies
(x) American History ( I'm assuming this is American History X but the x got deleted?)
( ) Three
Total so Far: 84

( ) The Jacket
(X) Kung Fu Hustle
( ) Shaolin Soccer
(x) Night Watch
(x) Monsters Inc.
(x) Titanic
(x) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
(x) Shaun Of the Dead
( ) Willard
Total so far: 90

( ) High Tension
(x) Club Dread
(x) Hulk
(x) Dawn of the Dead
(x) Hook
( ) Chronicle Of Narnia The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
(x) 28 days later
(x) Orgazmo
(x) Phantasm (Underrated)
(x) Waterworld
Total so far: 98

(x) Kill Bill vol 1
(x) Kill Bill vol 2
(x) Mortal Kombat
( ) Wolf Creek
( ) Kingdom of Heaven
(x) the Hills Have Eyes
(x) I Spit on Your Grave aka the Day of the Woman
( ) The Last House on the Left
(x) Re-Animator
(x) Army of Darkness
Total so far: 105

(x) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
(x) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
(x) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(x) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(x) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
(x) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
( ) Ewoks Caravan Of Courage
( ) Ewoks The Battle For Endor
Total so far: 111

(x) The Matrix
(x) The Matrix Reloaded
(x) The Matrix Revolutions
(x) Animatrix
(x) Evil Dead
(x) Evil Dead 2 [easily one of my favorite movies of all time]
(x) Team America: World Police
(x) Red Dragon
(x) Silence of the Lambs
(x) Hannibal
Total so far: 121

( ) Battle Royale
( ) Battle Royale 2
(x) Brazil
(x) Contact
(x) Cube
(x) Dr. Strangelove
( ) Enlightenment Guaranteed
( ) Four Rooms
(x) Memento
( ) Pi
( ) Requiem for a Dream
(x) Pulp Fiction
(x) Reservoir Dogs
( ) Run Lola Run
( ) Russian Ark
(x) Serenity
(x) Sin City
(x) Snatch
( ) Spider
(x) The Sixth Sense
(x) The Village
( ) Waking Life
( ) Zatoichi
( ) Ikiru
(x) The Seven Samurai
(x) Brick
(x) Akira
Total so far: 136

Holy crap, am I a loser. I nearly doubled my bro. I guess that explains why he has a PhD and I have an ass-shaped imprint on my couch.

Anyone top that? I tag everyone... that means you.

Movie Review - W A L L - E

I took the fridge-spawn to see Wall-E last night and left amazed. And by amazed, I don't mean in love with the movie. Simply amazed. This is not the typical Pixar fare. This is the most subversive kids movie since the first Willie Wonka. Can a movie be a kids movie, a robot love story, an ecological parable and a scathing critique of American society? Apparently yes.

I'm not gonna recount the plot of the story because it's just not as interesting as the ways in which this movie is a truly unusual experience (if you want that, this review gives it to ya). So, here are those "unusual ways" - bullet point style.

the first half of the film has almost no dialog. Wall-E only knows one word and that's his name. He learns another from his love-interest EvE - her name. She apparently only knows a couple others "Plant" and "Directive". The first half of the movie is nearly a silent film. Given the proclivity of most science fiction directors to pound our ears in with tedious exposition, this is an amazingly interesting and refreshing choice. The funniest description I've read of this is "Cormac McCarthy for kids!"

sidebar: The flip-side of this becomes clear when you take a 4 year old and a 6 year old to watch a movie. In the absence of this dialog, these children will have many, many very loud questions. You may discuss whispering and why it's important at a theater when you can talk loudly at home.

Imagine the Pixar movie story meetings. "So wait, we're gonna make a movie for kids? You know, which typically are advertised with Happy Meals and often simply vehicles to sell toys. But, we're gonna use it to destroy the "LayZBoy-Box Store" American lifestyle? Really?"

Truly a startling choice. This movie is practically Idiocracy for the toddler set. Incredible, really.

It all works. The target audience ("my kids") loved it. They were shocked and dismayed when all the people left the earth because of the garbage and pollution and they were elated and were elated when the people came back to earth to live. And they laughed and cheered for Wall-E all along the way. Truly remarkable. They don't know they just watched a movie that eviscerates the society they enjoy. At least today they don't. But that message will sink in and as they watch these movies over and over again as they grow up that message will surely sink in.

I was intrigued when in 2006, Pixar decided they would no longer cross-promote with fast food companies. That's a small step for them to do if they want to make a difference. This movie is a big step. Pixar is using it's super powers to try and do good. Surely this will piss some people off. I'm fascinated by it.

I'm not gonna give Wall-E a glib rating. I'm still too perplexed by how I feel about it. I definitely enjoyed parts of it greatly. I definitely was stung by some of the criticism when it hit home. Do I want Pixar movies that have such strong messages? Or do I just want entertainment from them? I dunno. Like all Pixar movies, it's very well done with amazing animation, but I can't decide how much I like it. I think I like that about the film the most.

This meme is awesome

Now, here's a great meme. Manuel tagged me and I am happy to comply.

Instructions: Look up 15 of your favorite films on IMDb and take a quote from each. List them below. When someone guesses the quote correctly, cross it off the list. Leave a comment with your answers. And NO CHEATING.

Excellent! I love movie quotes. Here we go!

1) To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women. (chemist)

2) There's something out there. That... that witch in the cellar is only part of it. It lives... out in those woods, in the dark... something... something that's come back from the dead. (Mike)

3) Tell me, who was it you left me for? Was it Laszlo, or were there others in between? Or - aren't you the kind that tells? (VMH)

4) Greetings from The Humungus! The Lord Humungus! The Warrior of the Wasteland! The Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla! (Toast)

5) You don't seem to want to accept the fact you're dealing with an expert in guerrilla warfare, with a man who's the best, with guns, with knives, with his bare hands. A man who's been trained to ignore pain, ignore weather, to live off the land, to eat things that would make a billy goat puke. (chemist)

6) We'd better get back, 'cause it'll be dark soon, and they mostly come at night... mostly. (manuel)

7) Oh, it's all right. I'm sure that we can handle this situation maturely, just like the responsible adults that we are. Isn't that right, Mr... Poopy Pants? (Angelos)

8) You see, I have no intentions of breaking down her prejudices. I want her to believe in God and virtue and the sanctity of marriage, and still not be able to stop herself. I want the pleasure of watching her betray everything that is most important to her. Surely you can understand that. I thought betrayal was your favorite word. (manuel)

9) Nihilists! Fuck me. I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos. (chemist)

10) I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.

11) I eat Green Berets for breakfast. And right now, I'm very hungry! (manuel)

12) I drink your milkshake! (chemist)

13) Can I confess something? I tell you this as an artist,I think you'll understand. Sometimes when I'm driving... on the road at night... I see two headlights coming toward me. Fast. I have this sudden impulse to turn the wheel quickly, head-on into the oncoming car. I can anticipate the explosion. The sound of shattering glass. The... flames rising out of the flowing gasoline. (Tart)

14) Bitch, you don't have a future. (chemist)

15) I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final, you know. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. (Mike)

I tag: Toast, Senor Furious, All three of the Howards,
Angelos, Chemist and Tart.

UPDATE: Thanks for playing! Mike finished it off at 6:35 AM ET Best. Meme. Ever.

Movie Review - Shoot 'Em Up

Disclaimer: If you don't like stylistic, improbable violence, silly catch phrases and body counts nearing triple digits then stop reading now. This movie is not for you. If you're a fan of John Woo before he met John Travolta and came to Hollywood, keep reading.

This movie can be summed up easily: 1) Clever scene set-up. 2) Clever action sequence with lots of dead bad guys 3) Clever punchline. Now, do all that repeatedly for 90 minutes - but instead of doing it in a glossy, hyper explosive Michael Bay way, do it in a quirky, off-center indie film way. That's the movie. Want something even shorter? It's the bizarro Bourne Identity. Just as hyper-kinetic, but instead of gritty realism, you get loopy fantasy.

The plot is convoluted, improbable and superfluous, frankly. It's like a good porn script in that it gets itself out of the way quickly in favor of the action. All in all, I thought the film was good fun and has 4-5 sequences that are still pretty vivid in my mind several days later. This may be because of the performances of Clive Owen (the hero), Monica Bellucci (the perpetually lactating prostitute - so cliche) and the tasty villain, Paul Giamatti (one mean dude with glasses and comb-over). Oh yeah, and there's a baby at the center of this whole mess to heighten the sense of peril. It worked for me.

In short, this movie does for action films what Evil Dead 2 did for 80's horror flicks. It brings irreverence and fun to tired cliche. Want Art? Move on. Want Realism? Try the Discovery Channel. Wanna kick back with a few beers and watch a movie version of basically every first person shooter video game? This is it. I liked it.

Rating: 3 out of 5 possible couches.

Movie Review - Live Free Or Die Hard

Yippie-Ki-Yay, bitchez!

Truth In Blogging Disclaimer: I love Die Hard. No, really. I so completely love the movie Die Hard. When it came out in 1988 and I thought it was the greatest movie ever made. I have since softened on this stance, but to this very day it holds up pretty well. It's really a modern American classic and, in my opinion, the pinnacle of 80's action movies. It spawned millions of dollars worth of big money Hollywood copycats. Pitch meetings in LA were built around a one sentence Mad Lib. "It's like Die Hard, but _________ (preposition) a ______ (noun) starring ________(actor)". "On" + "Bus" + "Keanu Reeves" = "Speed". "In" + "Airplane" + "Wesley Snipes" = "Passenger 57". "On" + "Mountain" + "Sly Stallone" = "Cliffhanger". "With" + "Beer gut and ponytail" + "Steven Seagal" = "Under Siege". Etc., etc., etc. Predictably, none of these matched the original but the truth of the matter is clear. Die Hard was as groundbreaking as any enormous blockbuster popcorn movie can be. This love and devotion may very well pollute my analysis of the movie. I may either be harder on the latest or I may be more forgiving. So, take what I write next in the light of a Die Hard fan. (End disclaimer).

As this movie is a Die Hard film, it needs to be measured with respect to the original. So, I will identify the basic qualities that made the original great and measure Live Free by that standard. Additionally, I will rank each of the 4 movies by their relative achievement in each facet.

Standard #1: John McClane Character
The First One and This Movie: John McClane still kicks ass, even as the actor who plays him ages. Now 52, Bruce Willis still looks like his bad-ass self and can still beat some bad guys up believably. He can throw a punch and a one-liner back to back. What always separated John McClane's character from other action heroes of the 80's and 90's was Willis' convincing portrayal of a world-weary NYC cop. This character wasn't a cartoon like Stallone's Rambo, Arnold's, well, um, everything or Van Damme's mullet. This guy looked like a regular dude and was portrayed like a regular dude - Well, a regular dude who is really unlucky and kicks a lot of ass. And, in the apparent new standard for electing presidents, he has high 'drink beer with him'-ability. He's hard to dislike. In Live Free, John McClane's character isn't exactly deepened in a meaningful way. I thought this was best done in the original, as they made time to cover his relationship with his wife, which was convincingly dysfunctional. There is a bit of interesting father-son-ish interplay between McClane and Justin Long's hacker character, Matt Farrell (You'll know Long is the "I'm a Mac" guy). But it has little depth. Unlike most action heroes, he celebrates when he whacks a bad guy the way we do watching him. He's not some steely eyed robot of determination, he's a person.

My rank in Standard #1:
1) Die Hard - the best in this regard, IMO.
2) Die Hard 3:Die Hard with a Vengeance - I loved the early, alchoholic McClane
3) Live Free Or Die Hard - Spends more time on action
4) Die Hard 2:Die Harder - Crappity crap.

Standard #2: Ass Kicking
The First One and This Movie:
Ass-Kicking is where this movie truly shines. It easily has the MOST action of any of the die-hard films. Like all sequels, it has to raise the bar. This being the third such sequel, the bar is raised to a near preposterous level. Your opinion of this will hinge on whether you feel it crossed the line into "preposterous". I thought it tap-danced on that line, and toed over it with the scene with the fighter jet (I hate spoiling action sequences, so I won't elaborate).

Again, the first movie had this completely right. This was a low-tech battle, pitting a doggedly determined hero against a group of thieves armed with a 9mm and without shoes. There was an intimacy to the conflict. Live Free is more classic big-action popcorn movie. The villians are mostly nameless and faceless, even to the extent that most of them are uniformed in all-black Swat style gear. But, it's an excellent big summer movie and the stunts and action are fantastic.

My rank in Standard #2:
1) Die Hard - Again, a classic.
2) Live Free Or Die Hard - BIG Stunts! BIG, I tell ya!
3) Die Hard 3:Die Hard with a Vengeance - Big points for the excellent scene in the elevator at the Gold Repository. Loses points for surfing on a dump truck.
4) Die Hard 2:Die Harder - Mostly just ok.

Standard #3: The Villain
The First One and This Movie:
There is one vastly underrated player in the original Die Hard. Alan Rickman. His Hans Gruber is one of the greatest screen villains of all time. He steals every scene he's in. You hate the guy AND you love the guy. He's the yin to McClane's yang. His portrayal created a stereotype villain that was repeated dozens of times. The most hilarious of these was when John Lithgow mysteriously speaking with an accent in Cliffhanger. He was so good, he was typecast in that role, reprising the evil guy again in Quigley Down Under and the pathetic Costner vehicle, Robin Hood. He was ultimately underused until he was cast as Severus Snape in the seemingly ever up-and-coming Harry Potter films. But Die Hard will likely be the signature role of his career and he was amazing.

That's a lot to live up to. Timothy Olyphant tries his hand in this movie as Thomas Gabriel, evil cyber-Terrorist. I just recently started watching the re-play of Deadwood on HBO, and really like Olyphant and he brings the same sense of intensity he does to Seth Bullock. He's very good and he has one money scene where he truly shuts up John McClane. Unfortunately, the role of cyber-terrorist is a lame one. This may be true for me because I know too much about computers to think that Seth Bullock is a cyber-terrorism expert, has a smokin' hot girlfirend and can handle a gun and kick ass. The role didn't quite work, but it wasn't because Olyphant fumbled it. He's legitimately good.

My rank in Standard #3:
1) Die Hard - Best. Villain. Evah!
2) Live Free Or Die Hard - Not bad, Bullock.
3) Die Hard 3:Die Hard with a Vengeance - Jeremy Irons sucked.
4) Die Hard 2:Die Harder - Negative points for both William Sadler's gratuitous man-ass shot when he's doing Tai Chi and for making James from Good Times into a traitor. I loved Good Times.

Standard #4: One-liners
The First One and This Movie:
Slate.com has already declared 'Yippie-Kai-Yay, mothafucka!" as the greatest one-liner in history. Who am I to argue. But the first movie had lots more memorable quotes. In fact, I'd wager that if you got ten random dudes at a bar, bought a couple of pitchers and got them talking Die Hard, you'd end up hearing 80% of it's IMDB quotes page recited back to you.

This movie isn't quite as good as that. In fact, no action movie is quite like that. But, it tries and often succeeds. It does so mostly because of the easy comic sensibilities of Willis, Long, Olyphant and an excellent minor role for director Kevin Smith of Clerks fame.

My rank in Standard #4:
1) Die Hard - "Yippie-Ki-Yay, motherfucka!"
2) Die Hard 2:Die Harder - (to a pre-NYPD Blue Dennis Franz)"Hey, Carmine, let me ask you something. What sets off the metal detectors first? The lead in your ass or the shit in your brains? "
3) Live Free Or Die Hard - "What are you a Goddamn Hamster?"
4) Die Hard 3:Die Hard with a Vengeance - None.

OVERALL RANKING:
1) Die Hard
2) Live Free Or Die Hard
3) Die Hard with a Vengeance
4) Die Hard 2:Die Harder

There you have it, this movie is the best sequel and the second best overall. They all pale in comparison to the first film (which is a perfect 5 coucher). This one is a very solid movie that stands well on it's own. PLEASE NOTE: If you read the disclaimer above and also this review, you'll see that I really am a Die Hard fan. You may want to drop the rating if you don't feel the same way about the original. Also, you are wrong about the original. It's fucking great.

Rating: 4 out of 5 possible couches.

Movie Review - Knocked Up

Judd Apatow served as Auteur on this movie. It's his baby. In fact, it has his babies in it. And his wife. In a somewhat creepy move, he cast his wife (Leslie Mann) as a wife in this movie and his kids as her kids. Wha? Ugh. They are, at least, refreshingly cute. Perhaps I read one too many articles about this movie before I saw it because I found it distracting. I'll have to watch it again to see if I can move past it.

That distraction aside, I found this movie uneven. Apatow, known on his own for beloved and short lived comedy series "Undeclared" and "Freaks and Geeks", has a vision for this movie that extends beyond the framework of a hollywood movie. Given the scope of what he tried, it might have fit better as a series or a mini-series. This gave the film an awkwardly fast pace.

The plot is very straight-forward. Lovable shiftless loser meets a girl who has it all together and knocks her up. They try to make it work as a relationship and have a baby. Still, those pieces don't quite fit together. Meeting slacker Ben Stone (Seth Rogan) and his gaggle of goofy cohabitants is fun enough. Alison (smokin hot Katherine Heigl) is predictably earnest and perkey. The Hookup is enjoyable. The "I'm Pregnant" scene is hilarious. It's everything after that which just didn't play. For whatever reason, I'm guessing running time, they launch themselves into not only having a baby, but having a relationship. I just didn't buy it. What seems like three minutes later, Alison is telling Ben that she loves him. Wha? Huh? Why the hell does she do that?

Maybe it's the fact that I've looked at those drug store pregnancy tests and felt the implications of the little blue line that made me wonder what the hell these people were doing. It was just so poorly developed that it all seemed so cavalier. That's why I think it a bigger idea that was wedged in to the already unwieldy (for a comedy) 2 hours and 9 minutes. Problem is, for a romantic comedy to work, you have to buy that they belong together and I just couldn't.

Still, my bitching aside, it's a pretty enjoyable film. There are hilarious bits with Ben and his friends, pregant sex and a great one being a bouncer at a night club with Daryl from The Office. For those alone, and Katherine Heigl hotness, check it out.

p.s. possibly funnier than the movie are this deleted scene talking about brokeback mountain and this truly inspired bit of viral marketing in which they pretend to fire Michael Cera from the set, presumably replaced by Rogen. It's fake though. Apatow and Cera have a high-school comedy coming out later this year.
Rating: 3 out of 5 possible couches.

Quick Hits

- Do you hear that Red Sox Nation? That is the sound of inevitability. The Yanks have won six in a row thanks to another A-Rod offensive explosion and are looking great in the Giambi-less lineup. Having the Melkster in Center and Cairo at first added a few much needed things to the lineup. They both can run, play excellent D and bring a lot of intensity. Also, they put the ball in play because they don't just try and work walks OR hit homers OR strike out. But we also owe this run to Bobby Abreu coming out of his slump. All of this means that there will be a showdown in October. The Sox will obviously be there in all their precious New Englandy-Coed-in-Pink-DiceK-Tshirt glory. But, it appears the Evil Empire might show up as well....

- Wanna see a really interesting movie about two bands coming up through the Portland, Oregon music scene? About two dudes who are at once friends and rivals? Recreating Mozart-Salieri where one guy is insanely talented, addicted to heroin and insane? And the other is well-adjusted and jealous of his talent and slightly bitter about his own success? Whaddya mean no? Of course you do! It's called "DiG!" and it's about the then unsuccessful Brian Jonestown Massacre (with fascinating genius Anton Newcombe) and slightly successful Dandy Warhols. The latter had a pretty decent sized hit with "Bohemian Like You". My kids love that song, it's used in the movie "Flushed Away". Check it out. Did I mention that the star of the movie is neither "Mozart" nor "Salieri", but instead "Mozart"'s Tambourine Player? Weirdly interesting movie.

- I realized yesterday that either my son is like George Bush or George Bush is like a three year old. I realized this because of what happened when we went to pick up Chinese food. The kids picked out cans of soda. My son insisted that he was going to drink his out of the can with NO straw. He was quite adamant about that. I told him that the can can be sharp and he needs a straw. Jonny insisted that he knew for a fact the can was not sharp. For the next fifteen minutes (i.e. the ride home) he proclaimed that his can was not sharp. He continued for 10 more minutes when we got home. When I finally opened the can and showed him the sharp edge, we threw himself on the floor and insisted that the edge he had just seen was not sharp! See? He's like Dubya. In my son's world view, his beliefs are fact. Luckily, a "timeout" cleared this up and Jonny was happy to drink his soda with a straw. So, basically, I need to give George Bush a timeout.

- I am disappointed that all that happened to Ricky Schroder's character in 24 was that he may end up blinded. After all, he absolutely ruined one of my favorite shows. I have never seen a worse, mail-it-in performance. He was gods-awful. Couldn't Jack have tortured him? And another thing. It makes me nuts that the dude running 24 is the same jackass behind the 1/2 hour news hour. Now, I find myself parsing the dialog looking for winger subtexts. For example, when the sublime Powers Boothe, who's character is the vice president engineers a 23rd ammendment coup (the second such coup in 6 seasons), and then has everything go to shiite, says, "You just can't know what it's like to sit in this chair until you do." Wait, what? Is this a subtle message saying that I should be easy on our idiot president because I "just don't know"? Clearly Bush "didn't know", but that's because he's an idiot. Am I overthinking this? Fact is, doesn't matter if I over-analyzed it. The mere fact that Surnow's politics cause me to do so, combined with the show jumping the shark anyway, means I am officially off the bandwagon.

- I don't know if this is new to the intertubes or not, but it's freakin' hysterical and not safe at all for work for language. Lots and lots of language.

Movie Review - The Fountain

Some movies you want to grade on a curve. Is it fair to grade a movie like Bad Boys II on the same scale that you grade the 40 year old Virgin? Furthermore, what scale do you use to grade a movie that is attempting to be sci-fi-existential-visual-poetry? Because that's what we have here, folks. Darren Aronofsky, who was a critical darling when he helmed Pi and Requiem For A Dream, got pretty much hammered when this one came out. Words like "ponderous", "pretentious" and "mess" were bandied about by movie critics who Curt Schilling would tell you have skill sets that are non-existent. How do you resolve the disparity between the ambition of The Fountain when compared to the low-hanging fruit of the popcorn movie?

We all have different answers to that question, directly related to how we feel about the movies in general. If you reject pretense and ambition as "artsy-fartsy", then stop reading now and move on to the next thing in your RSS feed.

Glad we've gotten past that.

The title The Fountain alludes to mythical 'Fountain of Youth' and the film addresses the notions of mortality and its opposite, immortality. The basic plot of the film revolves around a medical researcher (Hugh Jackman) and his dying wife (Rachel Wiesz). He's desperately searching for a cure for her cancer and death itself. She's trying to finish a novel about a 1500's era search for the fountain of youth as a mechanism for coping with her oncoming death. Neither of them quite reach those goals and that leads us to the third era explored the movie, a futuristic journey to a dying star. The climax of the film brings it all together and explores not the meaning of life, but the meaning of death.

That's what Aronofsky attempted in 96 minutes. That is not your rainy-matinee-popcorn movie. Does it work? Almost. Like most expressionist forays it swerves between being obscure and obvious. It's a bit slow paced. Hugh Jackman hams it up a bit, but at least he really puts it out there. And if you're the kind of person that tightly clings to every piece of the puzzle in hopes that they'll all fit together nicely by the time the credits roll, you will surely be disappointed in the ending. Those are the negatives.

But there's more good than bad here and I recommend that people watch this movie. It's visually striking. I found the story very engrossing and was very intrigued by the themes that were presented. It's not perfect, but it's perfectly memorable.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 possible couches.

Movie Review - Ghost Rider

Nicolas Cage is a big comic fan. Bigger certainly than I am. He's desperately wanted in on every comic movie of the last 15 years. He finally got one in Ghost Rider. I was a big fan of this comic as a kid. It was a very dark story. Two bit stunt guy sells his soul to the devil and as payment, he must bond with a demon and bring justice to evildoers. That ain't no radioactive spider. I really enjoyed it and was kinda psyched that they were making the movie.

Unfortunately, I had a Nicolas Cage ban in place. See, I don't watch Nicolas Cage movies. I have a number of reasons for this, most of them relating to the fact that he sucks. But, I lifted it so that I could see that bitchin' flaming skull ride a flaming chopper and kick some bad guy ass.

Put simply: the movie didn't work for me. For one, I always find Nicolas Cage distracting. For one, he's a bit too old to play Johnny Blaze and he's way too old to be one half of a pair of teen lovers, torn apart by fate, at least when the other half is Eva Mendes. Somehow, her character aged 10 years and his aged 30. Peter Fonda mails in a performance as Mephistopheles. The kid who cries at the site of a plastic bag in American Beauty is pretty uninteresting as an Emo-Devil-Teen. Somehow, there are some other young, annoying inexplicably elemental based demons in Emo-Devil-Teens posse. The aforementioned, Eva Mendes's hooters put forth a bravura performance. Unfortunately the rest of her attended the Anna Nicole Smith Online Acting Academy. There's a dumb plotline with Sam Elliot where he turns out to be an older Ghost Rider, like from Cowboy times and yet still alive. In the most frustrating moment of the movie, he saddles up on a sweet skeleton horse, rides side by side with Ghost Rider to his final showdown with Emo-Devil-Teen. Rather than join in the ass-kicking, he says, "I could only turn into Ghost Rider one more time, and I was saving it for this." and then turns around and rides home. WTF? Noone put down their nonfat venti Latte's in the script review meeting and said that was completely lame? Hollywood douchebags.

All this brings me to Mark Steven Johnson. He's the writer-director that brought us the failed epic Daredevil and now Ghost Rider. Inexplicably, Marvel looked at the results of the Daredevil movie and said, "more please!" and got Mark to do Ghost Rider. You seem like a nice guy, Mark. Stay the fuck away from my favorite comics, please. You are simply lousy at making them into movies. The changes you make are wrong and dilute what's good about each character. You are especially bad at creating villains, which are the true key to any great heroic epic.

I hereby declare that you are forbidden from making any of the following movies from Comic Books:
- Captain America
- Deathlok (I am so ready to write the script for this one. Would be a great movie.)
- Power Man and Iron Fist (easily the dumbest comic that I loved as a kid)
- Doctor Strange (they made a terrible made for TV movie once that was still better than the live action Spider Man tv show)
- Nick Fury
- The Avengers
You are, however, free to hack apart these doozies from the Marvel Collection.
- Nova (Bland)
- Namor (Dude looked like Spock in a speedo with little wings on his ankles)
- Dazzler (A Disco heroine!)
- Alpha Flight (Eventually led to the first openly gay superhero, Northstar.)

Rating: 1.5 out of 5 possible couches.

Movie Review - Blades of Glory

You may be wondering why I posted a photo of Pam from The Office for a review of a movie starring Will Ferrell. I did it because she's the only reason to watch this craptastic movie. To say it sucks is an insult to sucking. There's shit, utter shit and then there's Blades of Glory.

Pam, however, is called Katie in this movie and she's incredibly appealing in her Pam-ish appealing way. Then she puts on a bustier for one scene and she's appealing in another way. Yum.

Still, it's not enough to save this movie which is all premise and no punchlines. There's the obligatory cameo by a Wilson brother - I'll leave you in suspense regarding which one - but it's not a funny one. I laughed 3 times. The Two pairs skating routines from Heder and Ferrell and when Will Ferrell is skating with a touring kids show. Other than that, it was craptastic punchlines after craptastic plot twists on it's way to a craptastic denoument.

Why am I so bitter? Because they had me at "Will Ferrell". I love the guy. Frank the Tank and Ron Burgundy are classic comedy characters for me. His SNL days were gold. Even Talledega Nights was pretty good. Jon Heder is good too. Napoleon Dynamite is a unique classic, carried by him. This movie should be comedy gold, right? Still, my "this movie sucks spider sense" was tingling at the first trailer. Something was off. I couldn't even imagine the extent to how "off" it was. Strike One Will Ferrell! This is your "Harlem Nights". Couple more of these and I'll file you under "Eddie Murphy" and you'll be relegated to making the news when you solicit tranny prostitutes.

Please don't do that to me Will. I'm a bit vulnerable right now and I need you.

Rating: 1 out of 5 possible couches.*


* Why did I give any couches to a movie this craptastic? I did laugh three times and I'm one jaded mofo when it comes to comedy.

Movie Review - Hot Fuzz

This is the latest film from the dudes who brought you the highly enjoyable Shaun Of The Dead. Where Shaun addressed the ubiquitous Zombie movie, this one goes after Michael Bay-style-buddy-cop movies.

They don't spoof these movies - this isn't the Airplane! or Spaceball of buddy movies. Instead, they rather religiously utilize the mandatory plot devices (odd couple buddy pairing, scooby doo style accumulation of evidence) and employ the stylistic cliches (this movie is very loud and with flamboyantly macho editing) that have been drummed into our brains for the last twenty years of films like Lethal Weapon, Bad Boys, Die Hard etc.

The result is a lot of great fun. Clever bits abound in a tightly wound script. The movie is self-referential in it's parody, as both of our buddies - Nicholas Angel, hyper-competent and successful London cop and Danny Butterman, lovable schlub local cop - draw their greatest inspiration from their two favorite movies: Point Break and Bad Boys II. Two, excellent choices, no? Enjoy!

Sidebar: Here were last nights trailers and my line-item thoughts.
1) Balls Of Fury - Ping Pong comedy. Christopher Walken. Looks funny.
2) Superbad - makers of 40 yr old Virgin make a highschool movie. Kid from Arrested Development. Looks Funny, too. But, can I get into high school movies?
3) 28 Weeks Later - Zombies! Bah...
4) Delta Farce - Ugh. "Blue Collar Comedy" dudes make a movie about stupid national guards dudes that accidentally invade Mexico when they are supposed to be deployed to Iraq. Is it unpatriotic to make fun of Guardsman and a war that is still going on?
5) Knocked Up - #1 in the "comedies Fridge wants to see" list. Here's why: Uber-Hot Katharine Heigl and the dudes from 40 yr old virgin. Funny trailer here.


Rating: 3 out of 5 possible couches.

Ebert still kicks ass!

Ebert writes here about going to his own film festival, even if he looks effed up.

I have received a lot of advice that I should not attend the Festival. I’m told that paparazzi will take unflattering pictures, people will be unkind, etc. Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn. As a journalist I can take it as well as dish it out.

Damn Right Ebert!

We spend too much time hiding illness. There is an assumption that I must always look the same. I hope to look better than I look now. But I’m not going to
miss my Festival.

Kick ass, Roger!

That's awesome. Frankly, I've always loved this dude. For the longest time the late Gene Siskel and his show was my only link to upcoming movies. That's right kids, there was a time before Aintitcool.com or apple.com/trailers even existed. He's not like other film critics. You know the stereotype. The kind who thumb their noses at movies that are really movies and not 'films' (I'm talking to you, Steven Hunter). Siskel played the role of "snotty dude with thumb up his ass" (with charm and humor). Ebert is the easy-going dude who is not above enjoying something that isn't perfect. This is no art snob. The dude wrote Russ Meyer movies (Beneath the Valley of the Ultra Vixens is one example - click for a hysterically cheesy trailer NSFW), for FSM-sake.

I look at movies the way he does. Did I enjoy it comes first and foremost. All other nerdy and/or artsy-fartsy considerations come second.

And he's totally right that "we spend too much time hiding illness". That's the thought of the day that I'm gonna try and keep with me. Rock on, Rog!

Movie Review - Children of Men

There's already been a lot said about this film. I'm about to add my two cents. I'll skip revealing most the intriguing plot points but I will reveal the main concept behind Children of Men. In the future, there won't be any. No children. None. See, a few years from now, humans lose their ability to procreate. So that by 2027, when the film is set, the youngest person on the planet is 18 years old.

Now *that* is a dystopian future, my friends. Just imagine the implications of that for a minute. Every day, there's fewer people in the world than the day before. There's no future for humanity beyond the current generations. Eventually, there really will be a "last man on earth". Basically the backdrop for the plot is a world drowning in an ocean of nihilism and really not handling it very well at all. There's a scene early in the movie where the main character "Theo" (played by Clive Owen) is riding the train to work and there's a little propagandistic commercial shown on the train showing the chaos in other countries (including a mushroom cloud in New York City) finally with the slogan, "Only Britain Soldiers On!", which begs the question, yet leaves it unanswered, "On to what?"

That's what I found most fascinating about this movie. Alfonso Cuaron created a world where there really is no reason to give a shit about anything. Some folks amble around performing their daily routines while mourning the loss of humanity's future. Some rebel and throw rocks at the trains carrying people to pointless jobs. The people get off these trains and carry their coffee cups past cages filled with illegal aliens being deported, but don't look at them (there is an irrational fear that immigrants brought this infertility disease to Britain's shores). There are advertisements on billboards and TVs throughout the movie, advertising age-defying medicines, as if that will stave off the inevitable and still others for narcotics to numb your brain to a terrifying reality.

The movie's message is simple: humanity needs future generations. It needs the continuity of the human race and it needs hope. And Theo especially needs hope. He's experienced loss beyond that which he shares with humanity and as the movie begins Theo is an empty shell. The movie is about Theo finding a reason to hope. And with that reason, Theo finds a way to give a flying fuck about life again.

The direction itself is amazing, and is filled with gritty documentary-style realism and amazing long single-camera-no-cuts sequences, including one that is shocking and memorable. It makes a rather fantastic premise frighteningly tangible. Cuaron is quite a filmmaker.

In short, I loved this movie on so many levels. It has something to say, and doesn't beat you over the head with 3 minute soliloquies to say it. It's truly fantastic.

Rating: 5 out of 5 possible couches.

Movie Review - Beerfest

This movie should have been great. Really, a sports spoof based on drinking games? Genius.

But, something is lacking that keeps this movie from being great. To elaborate, let me use today's most overused rhetorical devices. The self-interview:

Is it funny? Mostly.
Are there naked hooters? Absolutely!
Is there a grandma doing strange and unspeakable things to a sausage? Yes.
Is there an extremely memorable beer goggled hookup scene? Damn right.
Do they masturbate frogs? Yeah, but that's so cliche.
Did you learn about something called a "strikeout"? Yep. Apparently, that's doing a bong hit and then chugging a beer and doing a shot before you exhale.
Why didn't you love it? That's the hardest question to answer. This movie had lots of great bits, but for a sports movie to really work, you need to have entertaining villains. The German team (always a good ethnic choice) was truly annoying. Their was this quality of over-acting in each of their performances. I just hated whenever any of them were on the screen. They ruined the movie. Plus, they shoehorned Jurgen Prochnow into the movie, apparently just so they could have him say "I had a bad experience in a submarine once." Get it? He was in Das Boot! Problem is, Jurgen Prochnow is not funny. That side of the movie didn't work and that's where I think the movie failed.

So, you're better off watching this one on cable, or even just checking out the YouTube clip below.



Rating: 2.5 out of 5 possible couches.