No alarms and no surprises, please.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007 puts 38pimpslaps on Gary Thorne and pimps the baby Jesus

I know it's a few days old, and the freshness seal has definitely been cracked on this one, but here's my blow-by-blow breakdown of Curt Schilling's Blogger response to the "painted sock controversy"

Let's get ready to ruuuuummmmmbbbbblllllleeee!!!

Curt starts off huffy.

Take Gary Thorne, John, Jack Joe or whatever his first name is, Heyman, Karen Vescey, Woody Paige, CHB, Jay Marriotti, Bill Plaschke, and a host of other people that litter the media landscape, and put them all on an island somewhere.

Yeah, I hear Turks and Caicos is nice.

Instead of using the forums they participate in to do something truly different, change lives, inspire people, you have an entire subset of media whose sole purpose in life is to actually be the news, instead of report it. They have little to no talent at what they do and other than a mastery of the English language their skill sets are non-existent.

Got that media bitchez? Curt lifts people up with this bloody socks and crappy blog (not nearly as crappy as this blog, but still). Besides your skill sets are non-existent. And you certainly don't have the balls to throw a 3-2 changeup.
It was blood. You can choose to believe whatever you need to, but facts are facts. The 25 guys that were in that locker room, the coaches, they all know it. In the end nothing else really matters. The people that need to believe otherwise are people with their own insecurities and issues.

Here, Curt is speaking directly to me. It is completely true that due to my own issues and insecurities, I gleefully wallow in his dismay. In fact, I considered printing out this blog entry and rubbing the printed words all over my body. But, I was too afraid of paper cuts. See? Curt's so right about my insecurities. I am, however, not an Everquest Nerd.

The only problem I have is this. If you look back, from the day of game six in the ALCS, through today, you won’t find a newspaper article, radio or TV interview in which I offered the blood, the sock, the game, any of it, as a topic.

Again, Curt nails this. He made the humble, self-deprecating decision not to call a press-conference to promote his bloodiness. The fact that, for the next few months, he accepted every interview request ranging from the writers he slammed above to pimply faced teens with betamax cameras and a "TV Production 1" project due? Completely Irrelevant!
When I walked into the room for the post game interviews and offered up my first response to the questions about the game I basically said that the night was a revelation for me. That my faith in God that evening showed me things I’d never believed.

As I uttered those words I could see pretty much every person in that room roll their eyes and smirk. That’s not what any of them wanted to hear, truth or not. That was not good copy.

You're right. No one wants to hear about your looney superstitions. But, wait a minute.... Stigmata? Might the baby jesus have bit Curt in the ankle?
I’m still convinced that the sock from game 6 of the ALCS is in someone that works in the Yankee clubhouses home.

An incredibly awkward sentence aside, what Curt is saying is that some NYC bastard has his beloved bloody sock. This is a level of stalkerdom, only possible for commenters on like this guy.
Remember this, the surgery was voluntary. If you have the nuts, or the guts, grab an orthopedic surgeon, have them suture your ankle skin down to the tissue covering the bone in your ankle joint, then walk around for 4 hours. After that go find a mound, throw a hundred or so pitches, run over, cover first a few times. When you’re done check that ankle and see if it bleeds. It will. There was less visible blood in game two because we recognized the amount of bleeding from the first game and Doctor Morgan put extra covering to stop the blood from running to the bottom of my shoe as it did the first game.

Did I mention that I am Curt Fucking Schilling? Did I mention that I'm completely badass in a Charles Bronson in a Death Wish 1 and 2 kind of way and not Death Wish 3 which was pretty lame and definitely not 4, which sucked? Did I mention that I piss lightning and crap thunder? (or is it the other way around?) Did I mention that all your skill sets are non-existent? And all your base are belong to us?
The saddest part in all of this is the following. Yesterday, as I was warming up for the game, I got to see a young kid, could not have been more than 20, who had served in Iraq. He was being honored by the Orioles and threw out the first pitch. He was a double amputee who’d lost the lower portion of both of his legs serving his country. He refused to use his cane and getting to see him do that was incredible.

Instead of finding this kid and writing a story that truly matters, something that would and could truly inspire people, the media chose to focus on a story that was over two years old and a completely fabricated lie. What a job.

I am Curt Schilling. After I kick your ass, I will wrap my loving arms around you. I will heal your wounds (not the double amputee, mind you, that's too hard). I will teach you to be good and humble like me. I will make you feel safe and warm. You don't deserve it because your skill-sets are non-existent, but baby Jesus said I have to.