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Thursday, July 26, 2007

Guess What? Curt Schilling Sucks!

Really? I can't believe it. Once again, the obnoxious baby jesus pimpin doofus felt the need to share his thoughts on players not named Curt Schilling with the rest of the world.

"If someone wrote that stuff about me and I didn't sue their [butt] off, am I not admitting that there's some legitimacy to it?" he said on HBO's "Costas Now."

When asked about Schilling's remarks before the Giants played the Atlanta Braves on Wednesday night, Bonds responded: "Don't worry, my day will come.''

Schilling said "this will be the steroids era forever" and proposed that Jose Canseco and Rafael Palmeiro should be punished for steroids use.

"Jose Canseco admitted he cheated his entire career," Schilling said. "Everything he ever did should be wiped clean. I think his MVP should go back and should go to the runner-up."

Pardon me, while I stretch, reflect and gather my Qi as I prepare to once again address the bloviating gelatinous mess that is Curt Schilling.

Ahh... ok. Ready now.

See, here's the thing Curt, you pathetic pimply WoW geek. (this pic shows Curt as he prepares to do battle online!)
No one really wants to hear your pathetic grandstanding about steroids. Why is it that you consistently feel the need to inject yourself into this issue? What about your personality craves attention? Did your parents ignore you such that you were forced to consistently bug them for attention like a pomeranian humping somone's leg? Why, Curt?

Who died and made you the King of All Baseball Media? Was it the baby Jesus? If so, can I get a ruling from the Pope on this one?

Furthermore, where was all this outrage and willingness to throw players under the bus when you were testifying before congress on Steroids? Here's you, flapping your gums to Bob Costas on HBO:
"It goes to the Mark McGwire thing in Congress. I mean, I'm a huge Mark McGwire fan. But I just always thought it was very simple: If you did something and someone asks you if you did it and you didn't do it, you say no. Any other answer than no is some form of yes, isn't it?"

Here you were in your statement on Capitol Hill as part of your 2005 testimony:
I must also tell you, members of the committee, that I hope that a result of this hearing there is a better awareness of the steroid program recently implemented by Major League Baseball and its Players Association. That program, though certainly not perfect, and I dare say there is no such thing as a perfect testing program, is a substantial step in the right direction that appears, from initial statistics, to be having the desired effect—that is removing steroids from baseball. Statistics have shown that from 2003 to 2004 the number of players using steroids in the major leagues has gone from 5-7% to 1.7%. In fact, in yesterday’s New York Times it was reported that there were 96 positive tests during the 2003 testing period, and in 2004 that number saw a dramatic decrease as only 12 players tested positive. I see that as progress, I see that as a positive. It troubles me when I hear the program being identified as a joke, a travesty and a program not designed to rid baseball of steroids. I think those numbers show this to be a meaningful program, one that is working, and steroid usage is dropping. The Players Association, in an unprecedented move, re-opened the Collective Bargaining agreement for the sole purpose of strengthening the drug testing procedures, and its penalties. You may view the reopening of the agreement as a non-issue, or as one of minimal consequences, we don't.

Wait a sec. It doesn't sound like you thought it was a huge problem then and you felt that the Players Union had handled the situation with a great deal of responsiveness. Let us all remember that the first version of the steroid policy, of which you are speaking in this statment, really was a joke. And it wasn't until the players went on TV and were so transparently lame that public pressure forced the union to cave and give it some teeth. And why didn't you call "bullshit" on Palmeiro and McGwire when they went to Congress and ducked every tough question? HBO asked the same question.
Schilling said the circumstances of testifying caused him to be reticent.

"When you're sitting in front of Congress and you're under oath, you'd better be damn sure if you're going to mention a name that you are 100 percent guaranteed sure somebody did something," he said during the HBO interview.

This statement would be amazing coming from a normal person, but one must recall that you are simply a complete asshole . This is pure "cover your ass" activity from a guy who was there not to represent baseball and not even to pitchers who have to throw baseballs to 300 lb behemoths like Mark McGwire. You were there to represent the players union. The Globe had it right at the time.
Schilling denounced Canseco as ''a liar" and his book as a ''disgrace" and defended baseball's revamped plan to ban steroids as meaningful progress.

''The allegations made in that book, the attempts to smear the names of players, both past and present, should be seen for what they are," Schilling said, ''an attempt to make money at the expense of others."
Again, wait. Here you were defending the names named in the book, specifically McGwire and Palmeiro. WTF? Didn't you say that Canseco's MVP should be taken away because of what he said in his book? But in 2005 it was ok to ignore what was in it? And in 2007 it's all of a sudden ok to 'smear the names' of the same players? Fucking Douchebag.

Even before that testimony, you were predictably outspoken about steroid testing. But not necessarily in the way you'd think.
Curt Schilling says he and fellow players would be more than willing to submit to steroid testing as long as Major League Baseball owners had no role in the administering of tests.

"I don't trust the Major League Baseball ownership group to handle drug testing for Major League Baseball," the Red Sox right-hander was quoted as saying in a Hartford Courant story published Wednesday.

Aha. We have reached the meat of it now. I have it now. All along when Bud Selig was trying to change the policy the MLB Players Assoc. and basically used the "five D's of Dodgeball: Dodge, Duck, Dip, Dive and Dodge". They even asked for a larger share of revenue in exchange for "allowing" testing. You supported this all the way. You chipped away publicly in 2004 at the Baseball Owner Tyrants. In 2005, you went to Capitol Hill and promoted how "generous" the players association was to re-open the collective bargaining agreement to include testing - even though at the time, there was no penalty. You said nothing about who was doing steroids (you had to be 100% sure, right) and even attacked Canseco who has yet to be wrong about anything in his book. Now, it's 2007 you now think it's just fine to hammer everyone who's alleged to be involved in steroids, proof or no and oh yeah, let's just point out that Barry Bonds has a mistress again...

Curt Schilling, you are an opportunistic, self-aggrandizing asshole. Furthermore, in as much as you were outspokenly resistant to the kind of steroid testing that the Commissioner was trying to implement, defended the Union's first attempt at toothless testing and silent about abuse among the teammates you played with you are wholly complicit in creating the environment that allowed our national pasttime to be dominated by hulking muscle men and later bogged down by the minutia of who took what PED when. Now, you have the gall to stand up and flap your gums about steroids incessantly as if by some colossal mistake you were declared the voice of reason.

Shut up you complete idiot.

And what of Barry Bonds, who is undoubtedly a cheater and an easy target for an idiot like yourself?
When asked about Schilling's remarks before the Giants played the Atlanta Braves on Wednesday night, Bonds responded: "Don't worry, my day will come."

If I look into my mind's eye and imagine what the perfect "day (that) will come" looks like, it's this:

"AP - Anaheim - Last night, the Boston Red Sox faced the California Angels of Anaheim of Orange County and new DH Barry Bonds, who last year broke the record for most all-time homers and subsequently had 755 asterisks applied to his new record. When Boston Pitcher Curt Schilling stepped on the mound, Bonds left the batter's box, ran to the mound and proceeded to pull a Jeff Gilooly on Schilling beating him severely in the left ankle until he had a new bloody sock to match the famed right one. Bonds then proceeded to the Press Box to announce that he was retiring for good, that he had in fact taken steroids and that all his stats after the age of 34 should be wiped from the record books so we can all get on with our lives. Schilling immediately fedex-ed the left bloody sock to the Hall Of Fame and said that he was retiring to focus on geeky MMORPG called Schilling's World Of Suckcraft where every player must be Curt Schilling and points are accrued by giving press conferences wherein you mention the Baby Jesus. Sales in Boston are expected to be high. Schilling then gave interviews long into the night until the baseball writers chipped in on a box of donuts to get him to shut the fuck up."

Curt Schilling... You suck.