No alarms and no surprises, please.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Top Ten Most Disappointing Democrats Since 2006

Well... Here we are. If it's Tuesday, there must be a primary going on somewhere. There's been so many of these goddamned things that I feel like a drunken roadie waking up on a tour bus wondering if this is Long Beach, CA or Sarasota, FL. We democrats have two candidates for the presidential nod remaining, right? It's been a while since I've seen anything about it on the news. If I recall correctly, one of them is a calculating, increasingly crazy person who will stop at nothing to win. And if memory serves, the other is a highly personable, intellectual and charismatic guy who appears to feel that he's above the down and dirty politics it will likely take to put his pugnacious opponent away. Despite their faults, both of them have policies far superior to John McCain's, who is quite loony. I'm told we face the most important election of our lifetime... well, at least since the last one. And both of our candidates are polling better than the McCain. And head to head, McCain's cranky geezer "don't bother me with facts, just trust me" demeanor is sure to hurt him next to their younger more passionate styles. We SHOULD be ok. Right? I should be fired up. Right?

I am fatigued. Check that. I'm fucking tired of this. I don't even want to flip on Olbermann tonight to watch him and Tweety project winners. I actually feel bad for the Daily Show writers who are probably watching Chris Walken in the Deer Hunter and comparing that to the prospect writing more jokes about primary season and thinking, "Hmm, that doesn't seem so bad".

It shouldn't be like this. This should be a year of crowning achievement of Liberalism over eight years of Bush. It's not. It's frankly, given where we were in 2006 this is a miserable failure. This is not to say that we're doomed or that a theoretical nominee won't win in November. But this is a mess and there should be a reckoning.

Being a Democrat today is a lot like being a Knick fan today. Each given a deck that should be stacked in their favor, but you simply can't believe how people can continually fuck it up. In 2006, we were riding high. Talk of winning the Presidency, both houses and a new contract with America were the rage. We had a new speaker of the house and surpris! it was a GILF-ish woman with nice cans for once, instead of a crusty old white guy. I was fired up. How the hell did we get here? I don't know, but I have a good idea of who's responsible.

So, I present to you the top ten most disappointing Democrats since 2006. To be clear, the disappointment is measured relative to the hopes I had for each person on the list. Some of here because of their actions. Some are here because they didn't act.

10) Russ Feingold - Really, I think it should be you here as the nominee. You have it all, a real fighters instinct, mid-western bonafides and an impressive track record of being totally fucking right. But, you decided to stay in the Senate saying you would be more effective at bringing about "change" from that position than campaigning from President. We all knew the truth was you were afraid of Hillary.

9) Nancy Pelosi - Frankly, she's done a pretty decent job and has actually forced the President to use his veto several times. And sure, there's a dumb trip to Syria and the mere fact that she's gay-friendly and from San Francisco to fire up the wingers. But the reason she's on this list is her endorsement. There isn't one yet and that's crazy man. (Fact check me here: I'm pretty sure I didn't miss that).

8) Al Gore - I understand why he didn't run. Really, I do. But, Al... dude...

7) Dennis Kucinich - I like Dennis. But, he's goofy both in policies and persona and that stuff rubs off on "liberals". What's really unfair about it is that the crazies on the right don't seem to stain "conservatives" the same way. Still, he got way to much pub for my taste.

6) George Stephanopolous - That fucking debate was total bullshit. I watched the War Room and thought, hey, here's a cool kind of democrat. On the right side of the issues, but not so wussy to be afraid to get dirty in the political arena. Now, I realize he's just like the rest of the core Clinton players. Cocky, arrogant, ruthless dicks.

5) Howard Dean - O RLY? This is what you do? You go from "yeaaarrrrggghhhh!!!!" to a DNC chairman who allows this debacle to happen? WTF, Howie? ARRGGHGHGGH!!!!!!

4) Harry Reid - Take the same basic criticisms of Pelosi for staying out of this stupid destructive primary and then compound it with easily the worst Senate leadership I could have imagined. I wish we could have a national recall vote on the bastard. Supposed to be a pugnacious fighter, he's been as soft and sweet as a daisy to the Bush Administration.

3) Bill Clinton - Know what? Fuck you, Bill Clinton. I shook your hand once and now I wish I had coughed up a loogie in it first. I defended the guy until my head hurt to every ditto-head-douchnozzle from here to ends of the internet and this is how he repays me (and the many others who did the same)? By being a red-faced Sancho Panza to his wife's Dame Quioxte? Fuck you, Bill.

2) Hillary Clinton - When the right painted her as a conniving, calculating machiavellian bitch, I had no idea how right they were. Sure, I'll vote for her over the loony old man if necessary. But I'm not gonna be able to defend her from the crazies on the right the way I did her husband. She's all the ambition of the man without the resume of competence, in my opinion. She's an example of the worst in politics. Her stated policies happen to agree with mine mostly, but I can't really support her against any credible Democrat.

1) Barack Obama - He's number one on this list because my expectations were sky high. On paper, he's like an NBA lottery pick with treeemendous upside. But, he's also like the one of those first round NBA draft picks who's used to softer zone defenses in college and then gets a few elbows in the mouth in the pros and loses his game.

-begin plea-

Barack. Dude It's time to come down off the ivory tower, get dirty and finish Hillary off. Politics has no place for a person who feels himself above politics. This should be easy for you. But while he's busy turning the other cheek, Hillary, McCain and apparently Rev Wright are having a fine old time beating the living shit out of you.

Americans want a president who won't drag the country down into the mud we've been in for the past 8 years. But we also want one who will stand and fight. You should be good at that. You're from Chicago, right? It's the Chicago way.

-end plea-

Now, go get it done, BO!