No alarms and no surprises, please.

Monday, January 26, 2009

My kids are funny, vol. 12984

Read on as I, an evil Dad, make both my kids cry and yet get a good laugh out of it. I tried to be as faithful as possible to the actual events and dialog.

Saturday Afternoon:
[Int. Fridge's kitchen]

Fridge is on the phone

Jonny (running in to the room): Dad! Daddy! Guess What!!
Fridge: (to person on phone) Can you hold on a minute? (back to Jonny) JB, you have to say excuse me when you interrupt someone....
Jonny: Daddy! Excuse me! I need to tell you something.
Fridge: ... and you know that it's rude to interrupt when they're talking on the phone. You have to wait until Daddy is done.
Jonny: But Daddy! I need to tell you something!
Fridge: Is it an emergency?
Jonny: well... no... but I need to tell you something!
Fridge: Jonny, it's gonna have to wait till I'm done on the phone, buddy.

Jonny throws himself to the ground and writhes in the agony of injustice

Fridge (to person on phone): I'm afraid I'll have to call you back. We're having a meltdown.
Fridge (to JB, who is apoplectic): Ok, JB. You're gonna have to sit at the bottom of the stairs until you've calmed down.

Five minutes of carefully orchestrated histrionics at the bottom of the stairs follow. Eventually, Jonny calms down

Fridge: Ok, Jonny. Come over here please. You know that you can't interrupt people on the phone. It's rude, right?
Jonny: Yes Daddy. [wiping tears] I know. I'm sorry.
Fridge: It's ok, dude. What did you want to tell me?
Jonny (smiling and excited): "Skittle" and "Little". They rhyme!


Saturday Night:
[Int. Fridge's living room]

Fridge and Emma have just finished watching Jurassic Park. Clearly a questionable parenting decision as it was too scary for Jonny and he had to leave. Emma and Fridge are discussing the film, which Emma loved.

Emma: Daddy, wouldn't it be totally crazy if there were dinosaurs running around our house!?!?! That would be scary!
Fridge: Yeah that would be. But we'd have Roxy to save us!
Emma: Do you think Roxy could beat up a velociraptor??!?!
Fridge: Actually, no. She'd definitely try to save us if there was a velociraptor trying to eat us. But the dinosaur would probably eat her instead.
Emma: [Gasp!] No! We can't let them eat Roxy! I'd rather have the velociraptor eat me!
Fridge: Well, if I had to pick one of you to feed to a velociraptor, it'd definitely be Roxy and not you.

Emma cries out, leaping on top of a formerly sleeping, now bewildered labrador in a wild embrace.

Emma: Whaaaaa!!!!! No, daddy! That means you don't love my SISTER Roxy as much as me! That's not nice!
Fridge: Hey, I love Roxy, but that's exactly right. I don't love her as much as you. If it's you or her, then she's dinosaur food.
Emma: DADDY!!! That's a very very mean thing to say! Don't say that!

Emma collapses on Roxy, who is thoroughly confused. Emma sobs for a moment or two and then abruptly sits up with a tear-filled face and a slightly mischievous grin

Emma: Hey daddy [chuckles] maybe we can feed Jonny to the velociraptor instead?